Por Juan Cruz Catena | Ilustración: Gustavo Oliveira
Me comí un corderito macho, solo. Recomiendan quedarse despierto un buen rato después de tamaña ingesta. Me acosté, igual. Me ganaron las palpitaciones, el ardor abdominal y las respiraciones entrecortadas. Dormido, tuve una pesadilla anoréxica.
Un obeso, en cuatro patas, jadeante, Fauno pampeano, me recomienda que no haga como él, que es momento de abandonar la UCR, y que invierta en hectáreas sembrables todo, todo lo que me ahorre en comida. No le entiendo, pero lo oigo:
«Yo ya podría (respira) tener dos departamentos (respira) de tres dormitorios en Dubai (respira) con lo que me gasté entre almuerzos (respira) y cenas. Durante 364 días (respira) vas abandonando una comida, (respira) un día un almuerzo, un día una cena, (respira) y así, alternando, y los 100p diarios de ahorro (respira) lo invertís en lebacs. ¡Régimen, pibe (respira), despertá a la fianza del mundo! No hagás (respira) como tus antepasados maternos (en un último respiro)».
¡Oído! Desperté en el mundo en el cuerpo de un púber, jadeando con respiraciones entrecortadas, acordonado en La Catedral invocando a la Virgen Madre ante la presencia peatonal de 1, 2, 3, 9, 15, 27, 51, 134, 508, 1600, 3581, 70.000 mujeres, conté. Y recé en el mundo en el cuerpo de ese púber, jadeando con respiraciones entrecortadas, 70.007 veces, ¡setenta mil siete veces!, como para conjurarme de todas. No vaya a ser. Por precavido añadí 7, por si se infiltraban 7 más por alguna calle. Siempre pasa.
Cientas, miles de mujeres amenazando mi fe, mi dieta hormonal, mi línea madre y la de mis hermanos de barricada. Mi mamá no lo hubiera permitido, mi abuela menos, de mi bisabuela no tengo noticias. Tengo miedo. Mucho. No lloro porque sino no puedo seguir con las plegarias. Y ahí me quiero ver. «La verdad, Padre, es que tengo miedo de quedar preñado», dije irreprimiblemente.
Está el sacerdote acodado acá al lado, y aprovecho para decirle confesiones al oído porque la vergüenza le gana a mi valentía. Esto me recuerda que el máximo erotismo que había en mi pubertad modelo 90 eran las novelas de Facundo Arana. Motivo que justifica haber creído, hasta los 11 años inclusive, que hombres y mujeres podían quedar embarazados (para la risa de los amigos, que lo tomaron por chiste; y para mi vergüenza interior, que nunca había hablado más en serio).
-En serio Padre, seguí, nunca ví mujeres embarazadas hasta los 11 años. Usted se ríe, pero en serio.
-Mire, ya que me dice, uno de los vídeos más eróticos de los 90, Crazy, de Aerosmith, es el más lésbico del siglo.
-Es cierto, Padre, y, mientras lo miro con ojeriza, me animo a preguntarle, ¿pero qué quiere insinuarme con eso?
-Oiga, y calle, maldiciente. Por hombres como usted, perdón la expresión, Cacho Castaña y asociados, fue ineludible una maniobra de sustitución del erotismo masculino por la vía regia del lesbianismo. Y ya está consumada, hijo, desde entonces, en el mercado de géneros, no le ha quedado target alguno.
– ¡¿Qué lectura, Padre?!
– Les concedo, para su beneplácito, que hayan arrancado aquel fuego que ahora lesbianas hacen perdurar.
-Pero…
– No se alarme, tampoco fueron tan superfluos. Ahora, óigame de nuevo, así confiesa su fracaso ante Dios: desde el 94 a la actualidad, los hombres no existen, son, con buena fortuna, la peor lesbiana. Rece conmigo…
¡Que asco, Padre! ¿Por qué habla como Judith Butler? ¡Así hablan los sodomitas! ¡Teta! Le crecían tetas en los pómulos, en las orejas, en los párpados. Teta. Tetas doquiera. Mientras tanto, a mí, me salían tetas fonéticas sin mi consentimiento, involuntarias, floridas, 70.007 tetas. ¡Rezá! ¡Rezá o te embarazo, teta! Cordero de Dios, teta, que quitas el pecado del mundo, ten piedad de nosotros. Teta. Danos la paz. Bis. Bis. Recé 70.007 tetas. ¡Que asco! ¡No puedo más! ¡Teta! ¡Otra vez! ¡Puaj!
Desperté lanzándome
Corderito
Macho
Soñado
A la estaca
Encima
Yo acostado.
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