Mis ojos vendados. La tela no alcanza a cubrir toda la órbita ocular, por lo que mi inquieto ojo espía la parte del suelo que ve. Mis piernas y mi camisa a cuadros, mi gran rebeldía.
Era una tarde de primavera. Hermoso cielo azul, casi puro. De esas que la ciudad nos da en cuentagotas, como una tortura china. Nos da de lo que no podremos beber, los que nos saciará la sed, sólo un poco, para esperar con ansias, otra gota de cielo fresco.
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La voz sigue firme. El silencio que rodea es casi total. Alguna música y las inhalaciones de fondo. Alguien con su nariz congestionada. Pero el silencio escucha atento. Jamás tales oídos. Audiencia profunda. La voz es profunda, como siempre, como nunca. Los graves vibran, aquí y allá, pecho y pared.
Los compañeros van pasando. Los suplicantes esperamos afuera el testimonio de los confesados. ¿De qué se trata todo esto? ¿Qué te preguntó? ¿Cuál fue su orden? ¿Qué dijiste?
– Le conté mis pecados.
– ¿Pero qué?
– Y… que a veces me porto mal, desobedezco a mis padres, peleo con mis hermanos.
– ¿Eso sólo?
– Eso y lo de los pensamientos…
Nunca es eso solo. Lo de los pensamientos… ¿Qué pensamientos? Los pensamientos impuros, claro está. ¿Pensamientos impuros? ¿Qué es eso, de que se trata? No tenía idea de que se trataba. Pero a la vez lo tenía muy claro… y estaba seguro de algo: era malo. Dios es puro, también el padre. Yo tuve pensamientos impuros. Regla de tres simples. Dios es bueno, yo soy malo. Y allí estaba su representante. Era el siguiente.
Caminando como quien oculta un arma, me acercaba. Avergonzado de mi carga. Sólo mis cómplices sabían que ello no era meada. Y allí, dentro, no tenía ninguno. ¿Alguno de ustedes sabe cuán largo es el camino? Tanto como puede. La alfombra silenciaba mis pasos, allí el ruido es el diablo. Que nada estorbe el régimen de nuestro sonido. Unos escalones, y el altar. Al costado, el padre. Era bueno el padre. No notó mi meada. A estas alturas eso ya era, claramente, meada. Lo sabía Dios, y lo sabía yo. ¿Quién había convertido el agua en vino? Aquí podría hacer otro tanto. Pero el padre era bueno, no dijo nada. ¿No lo notó? Era en emisario de Dios en ese recinto, hombre, no sea blasfemo. Era bueno.
La voz empieza a contar con sus primeros obstáculos. ¿Cuántas veces podré volver a transmitir las imágenes como ahora? Todos leemos el mismo libro y dibujamos lo mismo en nuestros cuerpos y su mente, la mente y su cuerpo. Nunca había notado lo perturbador de la extrema atención. Cuando los ojos quedan inválidos el cuerpo se libera. Los poros se abren, las respiraciones se hacen una.
¿Mi mente me juega una mala pasada? ¿Me senté yo en sus rodillas? Si hoy esa imagen se me hace insoportable, en ese momento no lo fue. Pero, es borroso. Sólo hay colores, el marrón predomina, el anaranjado de las velas que se extiende, un aroma acogedor y escalofriante a la vez recorre mis fosas. ¿Me estará jugando mi mente una mala pasada? Imposible pero cierto. Incierto, pero posible.
¿Mis pecados? No tenía pecados, o estaba repleto de ellos. Depende a quién quiera hacer hablar, padre. ¿Quiere hablar usted a través de mí? ¿Quiere que sus historias hablen por mí? Si quiere puedo vomitar en su cruz, mis tripas lo agradecerán. ¿Es eso lo que quiere? ¿Es eso lo que pide Dios?
Pero tenía nueve años. Nada de eso sucedió. Si a veces pudiéramos volver en el tiempo, con el peine de la experiencia… Pero nos vamos quedando calvos. Después lo comenté con ella.
Tenía nueve años, y mi espíritu rezaba: ¡Ilumíname, señor, lléname de pecados! Y no sé si me iluminé, pero empezaron a arder palabras. Palabras de humo rancio. Desobedecí a mis padres. Peleo con mi hermana. Le falto el respeto a los adultos, todo el tiempo le falto el respeto a los adultos. Las maestras dicen que soy muy inteligente, tengo buenas notas, pero que soy insolente. He probado un cigarrillo padre.
¿Estará conforme el padre? ¿Habrá saciado su necesidad de pecados? En la charola van las monedas, y en sus oídos los pecados. Había que llenar ambas cosas. ¿Satisfecho? ¡No! ¡Falta el plato principal hijo! Sus ojos pesados me lo decían: “Falta más hijo, dilo”. No tenía que hablar, la comisura de sus labios decía más que cualquier palabra. Su cara era solemne. Esperaba.
Silencio total.
– Tuve pensamientos impuros.Sentía lo que un niño siente cuando confiesa a su madre algo terrible. Sentía el alivio de haber descargado el peso, y la culpa del que peso siguiera allí, en alguna parte. Era mío, lo saqué de mi cuerpo, y, de manera muy egoísta, deje esa basura en medio del mundo. Merezco ser castigado, padre, madre.
Estaba satisfecho. Al menos hasta el próximo. O tal vez será una niña, y no comprendo que sucedería en tal caso. La cuestión es que mi pantalón mojado pasó a un tercer plano. Esperaba el castigo, necesitaba la redención. Llegó. Tres Padres Nuestros y tres Avemarías. Afortunadamente no me pidió el Credo. Ese no me lo había aprendido. Me levanté de mi silla (o de sus piernas, jamás lo sabré), y me dirigí hacia la figura del Sagrado Corazón.
Definitivamente la voz me tiembla. Una audiencia muda estremece. Siento ese dolor amargo en la tráquea que retarda el llanto. Es la parte inferior del mentón la que se resiente. Calambres de lengua. ¿Existe una palabra para ello? Con la fuerza de un macho, o lo que queda de él continúo relatando. Ya, sólo el final. No juegues así con sus oídos.Frente a Jesús sangrando me arrodillé. Efectivamente, recé los tres Padres Nuestros y las tres Avemarías. Allí en silencio, la imagen me escuchaba, atenta. Mi espíritu rezaba, el padre me oía a través de mi cráneo. Mi cuerpo estaba abierto. ¿Quería? No podía cerrarlo. En su casa el padre habla a través de nosotros. Recorre nuestra conciencia, nuestros pecados. Y Dios. Qué decir de Dios. Debía agradecerle haberme iluminado, me ayudó a encontrar mis pecados, lo menos que podía hacer era rezar sus benditos tres Padres Nuestros y tres Avemarías.
Y salí de la iglesia. Casi completamente seco.
El silencio continúa. No sé bien cómo, pero sé que es un silencio repleto de sentidos. Las palabras hubieran cortado el aire. “No nos estimamos los suficiente cuando nos comunicamos con palabras. Lo que nos acontece no es digno de ser hablado”, dice Nietzsche, el Anticristo. Y si el lenguaje desprecia el acontecimiento, el silencio se dejó permear por él.Al menos, una mano lo recoge. Una mano pequeña recorre todo ese silencio, desde la punta de mis dedos hasta la palma, de allí, tal vez a mi pecho, mi centro y mi periferia. Mi cuerpo no esperaba tal impacto, pero lo deseaba. Son minutos, segundos, nada. Ni la fracción más ínfima puede penetrar en el silencio. Las manos se alejan del rostro, las manos se buscan entre sí. Los dedos juegan, son inquietos, graciosos, suaves.Luego otro impacto, deja caer su peso sobre mi pierna. Jamás un peso fue tan liviano. Mi mano se atreve y juega con los cabellos. Cabellos alborotados y traviesos, y la piel. El movimiento más imperceptible es el que más percibe. Descubro, otra vez, la memoria de los dedos.Pero de a poco las luces se encienden, las vendas se desatan y nos incorporamos.
¿Por qué nos levantamos?
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